Excerpted from Compassion Blogger, Emily at With Elephant Grace. Emily won third place for the ‘Dear God’ Blog Month assignment.
I’ve put off writing this letter for a long time – and to be honest, I’ve dreaded writing it all day. You see, I’m afraid of what will happen when I completely open up and put pen to paper.
I’m afraid I will fall apart. I’m afraid I’ll get messy. I’m afraid this mask and wall that I’ve built around myself for the last 25 years can’t stand up to the scrutiny.
What if you see through my pretend? What if you see me – the real me- and decide that I’m a fraud and that I’m not good enough. What if who I thought I was isn’t who I really am? What then?
These past two years, God you know they have been so tough. I know that in the big picture of the world, my problems are small problems – but that doesn’t make my pain any less – it doesn’t stop the hurt from still echoing within me…
Me – the 25 year-old single girl who tries to hide her own hurt as she watches all her peers get engaged and then married? Me – the girl who often feels inadequate when compared to others. Me – the good girl with so many questions she’s afraid to ask. Me- the girl who has followed the rules but still feels like she’s losing.
Do you see me?
There are times when I clearly see you at work in my life – where I see your hand clearly. I’ve seen you open doors I never knew existed and plant dreams I didn’t know I had.
I know, deep down, that all the pain, the hurt, the longing, and the questioning is not in vain – that they will lead to something.
But “something” scares me.
It’s so hard to give up control – to accept that my life and my hopes and my plans may not be your plans. It’s hard to see the platinum when you’ve got gold in your hand. It’s hard to leave the comfortable for the unknown.
How do I deal with it all, God? How do I deal with my brokenness? with the brokenness I see all around me? How do I give up my things and follow you? What would you have me do?
You know those sweet children you brought into my life through Compassion – well I tell them all the time that they are important to you. That you have great plans for them. That they matter.
And I fully believe it – for them. But I struggle to believe it for me…
But you, you are still working on me. Even now I feel you tugging at my heart – rearranging my thoughts, showing me blessings in ugliest of places. Never would I have believed that 3 children in South America would capture my heart so completely.
Never would I have believed that I could make a child so far away feel loved and special. That $38 a month – you knew I would not miss it – you knew it was for these kids even before I did – and you were right. I do not miss the money and I cherish the kids.
Thank you for loving me – the broken me, the prideful me, the timid me hiding behind the mask of good.
Please continue to help me follow the path you have for me, even when it hurts, even when I can’t see the destination, help me to be a faithful follower and leave the leading up to you.
Read the entire post at With Elephant Grace blog.