Excerpted from Compassion Blogger, Emily at With Elephant Grace. Emily won third place for the ‘Dear God’ Blog Month assignment.
Dear God,
I’ve put off writing this letter for a long time – and to be honest, I’ve dreaded writing it all day. You see, I’m afraid of what will happen when I completely open up and put pen to paper.
I’m afraid I will fall apart. I’m afraid I’ll get messy. I’m afraid this mask and wall that I’ve built around myself for the last 25 years can’t stand up to the scrutiny.
What if you see through my pretend? What if you see me – the real me- and decide that I’m a fraud and that I’m not good enough. What if who I thought I was isn’t who I really am? What then?
These past two years, God you know they have been so tough. I know that in the big picture of the world, my problems are small problems – but that doesn’t make my pain any less – it doesn’t stop the hurt from still echoing within me…
Me – the 25 year-old single girl who tries to hide her own hurt as she watches all her peers get engaged and then married? Me – the girl who often feels inadequate when compared to others. Me – the good girl with so many questions she’s afraid to ask. Me- the girl who has followed the rules but still feels like she’s losing.
Do you see me?
There are times when I clearly see you at work in my life – where I see your hand clearly. I’ve seen you open doors I never knew existed and plant dreams I didn’t know I had.
I know, deep down, that all the pain, the hurt, the longing, and the questioning is not in vain – that they will lead to something.
But “something” scares me.
It’s so hard to give up control – to accept that my life and my hopes and my plans may not be your plans. It’s hard to see the platinum when you’ve got gold in your hand. It’s hard to leave the comfortable for the unknown.
How do I deal with it all, God? How do I deal with my brokenness? with the brokenness I see all around me? How do I give up my things and follow you? What would you have me do?
You know those sweet children you brought into my life through Compassion – well I tell them all the time that they are important to you. That you have great plans for them. That they matter.
And I fully believe it – for them. But I struggle to believe it for me…
But you, you are still working on me. Even now I feel you tugging at my heart – rearranging my thoughts, showing me blessings in ugliest of places. Never would I have believed that 3 children in South America would capture my heart so completely.
Never would I have believed that I could make a child so far away feel loved and special. That $38* a month – you knew I would not miss it – you knew it was for these kids even before I did – and you were right. I do not miss the money and I cherish the kids.
Thank you…
Thank you for loving me – the broken me, the prideful me, the timid me hiding behind the mask of good.
Please continue to help me follow the path you have for me, even when it hurts, even when I can’t see the destination, help me to be a faithful follower and leave the leading up to you.
Love,
Emily
*This was published prior to our rate change to $43
Read the entire post at With Elephant Grace blog.
8 Comments |Add a comment
Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words 🙂 You have blessed my day and my spirit, and I’m glad that my heart and my words have connected with you in some manner.
You really uplifted my spirit. God is always there when we need him and he answers at his own time. Keep that spirit and God bless you.
Winston Salem, NC
Emily, God has a plan and a plan only for good. Hang in there.
Thanks for sharing your heart Emily. Your heart questions are the same as many people and it will encourage many to know that they are not alone.
As I’ve said before, one thing I love about Compassion’s ministry is that it gives children to the childless and creates families and in doing so brings healing to those in the giving world and the receiving world. For that we can all be thankful.
Winston Salem, NC
Gail, you have a real gift with words. You uplifted Emily and everyone lucky enough to read the post.
Thanks
Thanks 🙂 I appreciate the compliment.
Emily,
I am also a single girl in her twenties. I think you spoke the heart of many people in this letter. I went through a time similar to what you are describing about two years ago. God has answered. And, many times, I do find it helpful to put it on paper as a letter to God. Thanks for publishing this. It definitely spoke to me.
In Christ,
Beth Ann
Emily,
It is true his plans are not always our plans. At the age of 25 you are very wise and aware of the “Bigger Picture”. I know that whatever I am going through in life, that God’s plans our bigger than my plans. Joshua 1:9 says, “Be strong and courageous; Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged.for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” The work that you are doing is God’s work, and you are changing young people’s lives through your ministry. Your desire to be married comes from God, and I know it can be frustrating watching all of your friends getting married. What I’ve learned in life is his timing of things is not always on our schedule because his plans are much greater. We are to come to God as a servant to others, and if we do this then we are doing work that will last for eternity. Going to a foreign country, that in itself you’ve taken away your comfort zone of home. I think a lot of what you are feeling is because of what we as Americans “think” is important to have in our lives. I know I’ve wanted certain things by a certain age, but for whatever reason those things didn’t happen. It wasn’t his plan for me to have those things when I wanted them, but when he thought the time was right. Our life on Earth is temporary, but what we’ve done with our lives is what shapes our relationship with God forever. Satan always wants us to question ourselves, because he wants to place doubt in our lives. Do not doubt your abilities, or the great things that you are doing for these children. Invest all of what you have into these children. God wants your best! Know there are times of discouragement in all of our lives, but those are the times we come to God in prayer. He will give you the answers, just be patient.
God Bless,
Ben Anderson
West Richland, WA